A Conversational  Gem

(Editor’s Note: This takes place between Episodes 21 and 22 of Heroes of Tomorrow, and before Episode 32 of Freedom League Dark.)

“So, why don’t you tell me what happened?” Gemma asked as she took a couple of mugs from her kitchen cupboard, then set the electric kettle on the counter to boil.

“Oh god,” Cassian groaned, throwing himself down into the kitchen chair and burying his head in his hands. “It was horrible. I totally lost my cool. I was a complete whack job.”

Gemma turned back towards him, a couple of boxes of tea in her hand, and raised an eyebrow at that statement. “Putting yourself down isn’t the best way to start telling me this story, Cass. Just start from the beginning with what actually happened and we can unpack things as we go.”

He took a deep breath in and raised his head, staring into the distance but not really looking at anything at all. “It started Saturday morning. We were awake at the crack of dawn for some stupid Next-Gen tradition where we all eat cereal and watch cartoons together. I had been up with Jason, just talking, way too late and I barely got any sleep. Once we got down to the basement where the meeting was, I got a bowl of cereal and was just sitting down to eat it when something really weird happened? I can’t remember exactly how, but all of a sudden the character in the show was talking to us? And then it’s like we got sucked into the TV somehow. I know it’s hard to believe, but it really happened. We started out in this weird cartoon where we all had blue skin and white hats, and there was some crazy kid there controlling it all. Quirk, I think his name was.”

At the mention of Quirk’s name, Gemma took in a short breath, recalling her own experience with the interdimensional imp. She put the tea down on the counter, then turned to give Cassian her full attention.

“Anyway, so we got pulled through a bunch of really traumatic scenarios; we fought a dinosaur which was cool but then we ended up in Leifandi. I couldn’t believe it. I was actually there, seeing it with my own eyes. And then, even weirder, I saw Mari. Mari! But she wasn’t how I remembered. She was my age, or close to it. She was 7 when I left. She should be 12 at most, but I was staring at an almost fully adult Mari. I hugged her as tight as I could, but soon we were transported away again and eventually Quirk got bored or something and let us out. I was exhausted physically and emotionally, but Jason had been hurt pretty bad so I wanted to make sure he got up to his room okay. Once we got up there he asked if I wanted to go for a jog. That’s not really my ideal form of exercise, but he was looking at me with his big brown eyes and he looked so sad that I ended up saying yes. Thankfully I had a pair of athletic shorts and an old T-shirt all the way at the bottom of my trunk, so I threw those on and off we went. I really am not good at jogging and I embarrassed myself to the point where I’m pretty sure he faked a cramp just to help me save face. It was really sweet of him, but of course I played it off like a jackass and acted like I was fine still. We ended up having a strange conversation about trauma, like an idiot, because what else would you talk to the guy you like about? Then we did some parkour stuff instead of just going back to jogging, which while I wasn’t great at it, it was much more forgiving since I’m used to flinging myself around to build up energy for my arm. When we got back we were called to meet with Headmaster Summers and he launched us into some big trial thing where we had a limited number of time to save a hostage and a bunch of walls went up, separating us from each other. I jogged as fast as I could through the maze, and even got Damien to punch me so that my arm would be charged, but all I could hear were grunts from Jason as whatever was in there was kicking his butt. It took me a while, but I finally found him and he had just been thrown into a wall by some giant gorilla man, and all I felt was rage inside. I wanted the gorilla dead for hurting him.”

With a concerned look, Gemma started to lean forward, trying to find a moment to catch Cassian’s attention, but the animated teenager just kept going, sparing little time for breath.

“I flung some flame at him that didn’t seem to do much. It wasn’t until after I did that that I realized he was holding on to a hostage. My flame didn’t go near her, but I was so hyper fixated on Jason being okay that I literally didn’t even see the girl we were trying to save. The gorilla hit me, recharging me and I ended up jumping on his back and blasting flame right into his face. It didn’t really help, but it gave Vincent a chance to swoop in and grab the hostage. And then, what really made me mad, as I’m literally grappling a gorilla, Jason gets up and just runs right past me. Off by himself. Again. He did it in the first fight that I fought with them, he did it when we were in the TV and he was doing it again. It’s like he has no sense of self preservation. Here I was, doing everything in my power to save him and he was literally plunging right back in BY HIMSELF. Alex rescued the 2nd hostage pretty soon after that, and the simulation ended. Summers came in and he and a couple other people who had been involved said some words about us not sucking as much as they thought, but I couldn’t even focus on what they were saying. I was so angry. None of us were working as a team that whole time. Especially Jason, who is supposed to be our ‘leader’ or whatever. Jason said something about getting my car into the lab and I said something short, and ran out of there. I needed to get away from them. Jason ran after me and asked me what my problem was and I exploded. God, Gemma, I yelled at him. I started screaming about him not going off on his own and not knowing how to work as a team and I don’t even remember what I said, I just remember this burning feeling inside. I thought it was rage, but now I’m sorta worried that it was fear? I had known this kid for one day and I was absolutely terrified of losing him. And he’s ready to throw himself at anything that comes our way, dangerous or not, with or without me. And then I’m having this stupid, weak moment and I sense Alex just standing there. Just watching me have a mental breakdown. I ended up snapping at them too, and then I stormed off again. I got up to my room and just screamed and kicked things and did a lot of unnecessary damage to my stuff. I just don’t know what to do. I had been hesitant to join the group in the first place, but I thought… god, I thought that maybe they could help me get back to Leifandi. And then watching everyone just throw teamwork out the window made me realize that’s not going to happen. I’m never going to see my parents again. I’m never going to see Mari again. I’m stuck here. And, honestly, what makes it worse is that just for a second I thought that maybe it wouldn’t be horrible to be stuck here. Maybe I could work out these feelings for Jason, and maybe he would have feelings back for me. Maybe I could work with this team and have a new family. And that feels like a betrayal to my real family.”

Cassian’s eyes filled with tears as he forced himself to look into Gemma’s eyes. “I don’t know what to do Gemma. I don’t know how to exist here without feeling the immense guilt that I should be somewhere else. I don’t know how to be happy here without feeling like I’m betraying the people who used to make me happy.”

Ignoring the now boiling water, Gemma pulled a chair out from the table and sat down, reaching for Cassian’s hand. When she had it, she squeezed it gently. “First off, that was a lot to deal with in a really short period of time, and Headmaster Summers shouldn’t have put you through an exercise right after dealing with Quirk. He did know about that, right?”

Cassian averted his gaze, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. “Uhhh. We may have, uh, forgotten to tell him beforehand?” Cassian’s cheeks blazed red as he knew what was coming.

Gemma frowned. “Not telling him what happened wasn’t the best idea, but I understand why you didn’t. I know it’s not easy trying to fit in, trust me, but part of learning how to be a hero means knowing when to trust those who have been doing this for a while. Chances are they’ve been through similar things and can help you develop techniques to deal with them. And besides, that way you can call them out when they forget their own lessons.”

Cassian smiled, letting out a small laugh. “In my defense, I didn’t know that Summers was going to shove us into a room and directly into a fight. But I understand what you mean. I should have told him as soon as I saw him.”

She smiled as he chuckled, then released his hand to stand up and prep their mugs, adding the water to them. Dropping in some honey, she stirred that into the water before placing a mug before Cassian, the boxes of tea following closely onto the middle of the table. Taking her seat again, she placed a bag into her own water, then looked at him again.

“Doing the right thing isn’t always easy, and your friends would have been mad had you said something to him. But knowing that you’d all just had an ordeal, that you’d all suffered both physically and mentally? That’s the time to ask for help, and not just pretend nothing happened.”

“I was just,” Cassian paused, searching for the right word. “Distracted? So much had already happened that I really wasn’t thinking about telling him.”

Giving her tea a stir, she set the spoon onto the napkin and brought her mug to her lips, sipping at the hot liquid to test its potency. Setting it back down, she looked at Cassian with understanding.

“I know seeing your sister, your home, must have brought a lot of emotions forward for you, and to have it all ripped away so quickly, it’s enough to magnify those emotions significantly.” Gemma’s gaze drifted down to her own mug, watching the leaves shift as the tea steeped. “It’s not easy for me, knowing I can’t go back to my Leifandi, to always process those emotions healthily. But, you know your sister is ok, and that’s something I know you were very worried about. And she knows you’re ok too, and with everything that’s going on right now, it’s possible we can find a way to get you back home.”

“But what if that’s just another universe and not my sister? It doesn’t make sense how old she was, unless I somehow missed 5 years. I don’t know, can time work differently in different universes? I can’t stand the thought that I completely missed her growing up.”

“It absolutely can. Centuria is from ten years further along in her universe than we were when she swapped places with ours. And from what you’ve told me, your universe is a lot further along in its timeline than here.” Gemma shook her head, thinking about what he’d told her about the life her other self led in his universe.

Sighing, Cassian slowly lifted his cup up to his lips, taking a small sip. “This is really good. Thank you for making it. I can’t really do anything about not being in the correct universe right now, but do you have any advice on Jason and the team? I need to figure out how I can bring them closer together and get Jason to stop running off on his own.”

Gemma tapped a finger on the table. “I know we’ve talked about how it’s important to take care of yourself before others, but I think you’ve been following my own example of not doing that to heart. I’m trying to be better about it, but it’s not easy. It sounds like Jason really should have stayed in, if he was hurt as bad as you say he was, and you should have known that both he and you needed your rest after something like that. But, it sounds like he’s a lot like Fletch; always trying to prove that he can keep up with those of us with abilities, pushing himself to, or beyond, his limits to prove he belongs.”

“Well, he didn’t choose his dad’s best quality to adopt. I’m trying to help him, and it’s like he doesn’t want it. And I’m afraid if I continue pushing him on it I’m just going to make him hate me, which is the last thing I want.”

She took his hand again. “He’s not going to hate you. Sometimes it just takes someone a while to realize that they need someone else, that they need that help. It’s not easy to say you’re not able to do everything yourself, and, knowing Jason, he’s struggling with that. He needs you, and the others, to help show him that he’s not alone in all of this.”

“I will keep trying, but I might have blown it. We haven’t really talked since Saturday and it feels like we’ve been awkwardly avoiding one another even though we live like 2 doors down from each other. I’m not really sure how to bridge the gap I’ve created by yelling at him.”

“Well, first start by apologizing.” Gemma scolded him. “All this talk about wanting to help, to be there for him, you can’t do that by avoiding him. Own up to what you did; it’s going to be painful, but it’s the only way to move forward. You tell him exactly what you told me, as part of that.”

“That sounds like the worst thing ever. I don’t really know how to be that open with him. Like it should be easy, but I don’t want him to laugh at me if I start going super heavy on the feelings.”

Gemma shook her head. “The only thing you can do is control your response, not his. I know it’s not easy to apologize, to tell someone the why of what you did. But clearing the air will be good for you. It should be helpful to both of you to get this out in the open. Jason needs to know that what he’s doing is actually hurting those around him, but also that you have his back and want to help him make the team better.”

“I guess you’re right. I’ll talk to him. I promise.”

“As for the exercise Headmaster Summers put you all through, I remember that one myself.” Gemma’s gentle smile turned into a slight frown. “And if you are sure they told you all that you didn’t ‘suck as much as they thought you would’, then I’m going to have a word with those so-called teachers. That sort of negative bend to what should have been a positive moment, albeit also a teachable one, from the rest of that story, is not the way to encourage you all to be better heroes. It’s just going to erode the confidence you do have, make you question whether or not you’re right to rely on your own instincts. And that doubt, that fear, is going to end up hurting you.”

Gemma stopped for a moment, and Cassian could see her trying to collect herself. As she took in a deep breath, he searched his brain for something he could say to help.

“That’s not what they said, exactly… and it was members of the previous Next Gen team, so not really teachers. The teachers seem… nice, I guess?” Cassian ran a hand through his hair, dropping his head back in his hands. “And even if they had said that… They aren’t wrong. We were a mess in there, Gemma. Everyone was completely split up and doing their own thing. Not much of a team, if you ask me.”

Gemma looked back up at Cassian. “That it’s the previous Next Gen doesn’t make it any better. They’re your predecessors, and my guess is that there’s some underlying desire to live up to their legacy living in your teammates.” She sighed, remembering her own time at Claremont. “It’s not easy to work as a team, especially with people you’ve just met. And the previous Next Gen should have remembered that. It’s also easy to say that you’re a leader, and expect everyone else to follow you. Good leaders need to communicate what their expectations are, but they have to be open to listening to those they are leading, who’ve had different experiences and can provide a different point of view. Can you tell me if your team appointed Jason the leader, or did he take that mantle on himself? Or did one of the teachers pick him to lead?”

“I think Jason was picked as the leader before I even got there. He has experience from his time with Bowman, and when I got to the scene at the bank he was already giving orders. I guess I never really questioned it. I think he could be a good leader, if he learns how to actually depend on his team.”

Gemma smiled. “From what I know of him, I’d agree with your assessment. But he needs to learn a few lessons that Fletch has, and part of that will come from you and the others on your team. The rest, well, maybe I’ll have to give Fletch a head’s up on how Jason’s settling in.”

Cassian’s eyes widened. “Oh god, don’t tell him I told you. He’s going to think I just snitched on him to his dad. It’s bad enough I’m telling you! And I’m really sorry to burden you with my teenage drama, but…” he hesitated and looked down at his hands that were laying open on the table. “I don’t really have anyone else to tell.”

Her smile disappeared, as she settled her gaze back on Cassian. “I’m sorry I haven’t been around to be more helpful. Things are a bit crazy with what we’re trying to stop, and I have to focus everything on that. We’ve had to leave a couple of issues to Daedalus and the rest of the Freedom League, and that doesn’t sit well with me. But, I have to trust in their ability to get things done, even if it’s cleaning up a mess we couldn’t. After all, they’ve been doing it longer than I have. They’re pretty good at this hero stuff. Just like you are.”

Cassian smiled. “Please don’t apologize. You had a random teenager show up on your doorstep, and you’ve done so much more than anyone else would have done for me. You don’t have to worry about me while you’re saving the multiverse. I will be okay.”

“Can’t tell me to stop worrying about you, even if I’m not here.” She said, sipping her tea. “I know how easy it is to feel lost, like you’re totally alone here. We both share the experience of being taken from everything we knew and dropped somewhere that was completely…..alien, for lack of a better word. I wouldn’t be much of a mentor if I didn’t try to do what I could to ease that burden for you.”

“I appreciate the thought, but please don’t let my burdens add to the burdens you already have. I don’t want to be blamed for weighing down one of the greatest superheroes of all times.” He flashed a small smile at Gemma.

She scoffed. “I’m not one of the best superheroes of all time. I really don’t know if I consider myself a hero. If I was, I wouldn’t have abandoned my friends for almost ten years because it got to be too much to try to help everyone, to see nothing really change even though we ‘beat the bad guy’. That said, I know why I did, and they do as well. It took me a while to be able to tell them that though. Don’t wait to tell your friends what you’re feeling; it’ll go a long way towards making you a better team.”

Getting up, Gemma headed to the fridge, leaving Cassian to think on what she said. Opening the freezer, she rooted around until she found what she was looking for; the last two ice cream sandwiches. With a grin, she grabbed them, and tossed one his way.

“As for your last thought, that you’re betraying your family? That’s utter nonsense. Your family will always be a part of you, no matter how far away from them you are. I know because I still have a connection to mine, even though I can’t get to them. But you’re allowed to find a new family, to connect with people with similar thoughts and interests. It’s part of growing up.” Gemma said, unwrapping her ice cream.

Cassian tore open the wrapper to his ice cream sandwich and closed his eyes as he took a bite. “If it makes any difference, you’re my favorite superhero. And I guess you’re right, but I still can’t get over the feeling that I’m not where I’m supposed to be. That I’m not who I’m supposed to be. But I suppose there’s not much that I can do about that now.”

Gemma paused before taking a bite of her ice cream. “Think about this then.” She said, angling the sandwich towards him. “Maybe you’re where you NEED to be, so that one day you can be who you ARE supposed to be. Don’t be in such a hurry to grow up and take on responsibility you aren’t ready for.” She brought the ice cream back towards her, but the smile slowly disappeared from her face. “If you do it before you’re ready, it can become a weight that drags you down until you hit rock bottom, even if you don’t realize what it’s doing.”

Cassian set his half eaten ice cream down on the table, carefully placing it on the wrapper to avoid making a mess. Standing, he made his way over to Gemma and threw his arms around her. “I hope you know that I appreciate you more than words can say. I think you should take your own advice sometimes.”

Gemma sat there for a moment, surprised by Cassian’s embrace. Smiling, she returned it, feeling a bit of the weight release off of her shoulders. “I know.” she said, letting him go. “Sometimes it’s hard for the healer to take time to treat their own wounds. But, I’ll try.”

Cass held on a little longer and then moved to sit back in his chair. Taking another bite he looked back at Gemma. “I worry about you sometimes. That there’s too much on your plate. I know that I’ll always be that 12 year old boy that wandered into your store, lost and confused, but I’m always here if you need to talk. And I’m also always here if you need to get away from work. Both of your jobs, I mean.” He smirked, and finished his ice cream sandwich.

Gemma returned his smile, then grabbed a couple small bites of her ice cream before it melted any further. “Look at you; the student becomes the master.” She giggled, then downed the last of her sandwich in three big bites. “You’ve grown a lot from that lost boy who showed up here as I was figuring my own life out. So I know I can count on you to be there if I need you. How’s this; once I get back from the mission we’re on, you can give me a tour of campus. It’s been a while since I’ve been there. I can meet your friends, get away from work for a while. And maybe tell you all a couple stories of my own days at Claremont with Overdrive and Mortis.”

“I would like that.” Cassian leaned back in his chair and gave it some thought. “Actually, I’m really interested to hear what you three got up to together. It’s a deal.”

(co-written by Andy and Kat)